Never has it been difficult for me to leave my personal belongings, jump on a bus and start fresh someplace new. I’m nothing like a bag lady, dragging all my things with me. I will put my faith to the test again. I’ve thrown it all away before and started a new life each time. It still feels good to be out of Los Angeles. I’ll never go back there. Each time I start over, my journey has proven to be worth the material possessions I am forced to abandon.
When I turn blue like the moon, I shake the dust from my feet and find a new place to call home. U-Hauls are not my style. Whatever fits into this black bag is all that I take with me from town to town. I know that when I get to where I’m going, more than I’ll ever need will come to me again—dishes, furniture and even beds can be found on the curbs of streets. In America, we can find all we’ll ever need if we are not too proud to turn the trash of others into our new belongings. Material possessions are like old friends—someone else will take care of them when I’m gone. I’ve learned to let go and enjoy the ride. Why not? Life is an adventure when there is nothing left to lose. When there is little to leave behind, death loses its sting.
I will not worry. I’m carefree. I’ll always have everything I need although circumstances do not always work out the way I imagine they will. I’ll find a job. I always do. The way it all comes together is what I have learned to appreciate. The secret to life is trusting that our needs will be taken care of, if we only learn to appreciate the little things that come our way—the hidden blessings.
Alabama wore away my desire to live a country lifestyle. I thought a small town was the best place to live out the rest of my days. Warm summer nights with a big yellow moon hovering above the black water of the river makes me cry. I don’t like it here anymore. I have to go now. I’m all alone with no one to hold and have decided to make one last effort at finding the man of my dreams. Surely I deserve to feel what true love is like before I die. He must be out there somewhere. Surely if the Good Lord gives me everything else, he will give me someone, even if he is used.
These niggas in the South have gotten on my last nerve. I’ll miss Randy and Mark but that’s about it as far as the state of Alabama is concerned. I’m not going to call them to tell them where I’m going. Who knows, maybe they’ll miss me when I leave them as they have abandoned me so many times, on warm summer nights.
When life is ending, it’s better to be around people who can accept themselves for being human. I’m tired of sitting alone on a wooden back porch, listening to crickets sing haunting songs of eternity– waiting for someone to get drunk and stop by just to let go and get wild for a few minutes. They have their fun with me, play around for a while, and go back to their good lives with their wives and girlfriends.
I’ve had enough of this experience in life and know now that there is nothing more to learn from being here. It’s time for me to get out of this place for good. One year is long enough to stay in Alabama. Welcomes of new friends become worn like door mats in such a short time. My purpose here is done. Fear of the unknown is something I abandoned long ago. I’m not afraid to go now.
Why worry when life is so short?
I’m going to make the best of it and head North. Fuck these niggas. They do not want love as I do. I want a lover now, no more one night stands with the bad boys from the bayou.
I had a dream last night and my mind was changed. I called Caroline when I woke up. Damn I wish I could chill with her tonight in Beverly Hills and play her in a good game of chess. I miss that girl. She told me she has been dreaming about New York City too. I suppose my instinct to move there is right if Caroline, my mind reading friend sees what I see. I can always turn to her when I’m in doubt.
I’m out of here at daybreak and back on that bus. As always, I’m sure I’ll find a place to stay when I get there—a peaceful place like this, with new friends and maybe a real lover.
Caroline promised me that if shit gets bad there, she’ll send me a ticket and I can come home to her. I want a man like Caroline. I’m not afraid of love anymore. Trust is what life is about—trust and confidence and a town with a gay club—that’s all I ever needed.
My new friends are waiting for me there, I’m sure, just like I found Randy and Mark in the Deep South, there are others just like them waiting for me in my next home away from home.