Archive for October 2nd, 2006

Born Amish

Black sissies have always envied my ability to trap homeboys.

A few years ago I was in a gay Black night club in Brooklyn when a Black bottom stepped to me and asked, “What do they see in you? You are white!”

I’m not just white, I’m Amish.

I looked the bitch right in her face and replied, “I got flava.”

The queen stepped off in her tight rocker dude jeans with her mouth wide open.

Little did she know, I was giving away trade secrets. I was prepared to offer my family’s secret to Chocolate Whoopie Pies, but the jealous bottom didn’t hang around long enough to learn how to cook real soul food.

I’m of Amish descent and can cook as good as any sista in the hood. I learned from my ancestors that the way to a man is through his stomach and my cooking is as soothing as pickled pigs feet.

My great grandfather was ousted from the Amish religious sect for making and distributing moonshine. He brought with him not only the methods for making really strong booze, but also a secret for making pastries from heaven.

Whoopie Pies are as common to Amish culture as quilts. Make some today and cuddle up with your husband under a warm fuzzy blanket. These chocolate cookie cakes will make you horny, like they do the Amish, and sex can last all night long while high on the sugar rush.

This is why they are called Whoopie Pies.

I have pulled out my faded Amish recipe card time and time again in my gay career to remember the secret ingredients for creating a cookie like cake that will make any man come ring a doorbell more than once.

I use conveniences of the modern world including electricity and an electric blender to make my Whoppie Pies? My ancestors did it with simple machinery and by hand, and they must have had some incredible sex after eating those Whoopie Pies.

I say shame on the Amish for treating my ancestors like second class citizens just because grand daddy liked a strong cocktail and a sweet pastry.

I, a gay Amish queen by blood, am going to tell the world how those socially reclusive people in Appalachia create their own Viagra.

Only use this trade secret when the man who has plowed you the night before is worth having again. Believe me, they always come back for more of this good stuff.

I was able to obtain the secret Amish recipe only after telling my mom I had a girlfriend.
I had to lie to pry these secrets from her.

I have updated the Dutch recipe and use marshmallow fluff instead of the Amish butter cream icing. Ethnic men like my version better. It reminds them of Little Debbies.

GAY AMISH WHOOPIE PIES– Invented by Charles George Taylor, the Amish Queen

Step one: Fire up the stove. Bend over slightly while turning up the thermostat on the oven. Stop turning the dial when the number hits 350 degrees.

TO MAKE THE COOKIES: Find a big bowl in that kitchen cabinet that is rarely opened. With an electric mixer like those found in trailer parks, cream together ½ cup of Crisco shortening, 1 cup of brown sugar and an egg. (The egg does not have to be brown, it can be a simple white one.)
Find another small bowl. Measure out ½ cup of Hershey’s chocolate cocoa powder, (yes they still sell that stuff.), two cups of flour, 1 teaspoon of baking powder, 1 teaspoon of baking soda and 1 teaspoon of salt. Stir it for exactly 59 seconds with a fork.

Ask your hung one night stand to pass you another bowl while he’s checking out your bubble butt.

Straight men for centuries, even though they couldn’t legally marry boys who are girls, always thought twice about their religions when they watched their sweet hearts make the Christmas food of the Amish people the morning after committing the sin of having man on man sex.
In the third bowl handed to you by your dream man, pour in a cup of milk and one teaspoon on vanilla extract.

Move the beaters on the electric mixer back to the large bowl. Slowly, alternate adding the dry ingredients and the milk mixture to the mixture in the big bowl while the electric mixer is churning away.

Drop the stiff batter onto a lightly greased cookie sheet.

Cook the chocolate drops for only 19 minutes.

Step 2:

Grab a fourth bowl. If you don’ t have four, make your one night stand wash one of the emptied small bowls.

In that bowl throw in 1 cup of Crisco shortening, 1 cup of 10 X sugar and 4 ounces of Marshmallow Fluff.

Dissolve 1/4 teaspoon of salt in one tablespoon of tap water. Add the water and salt to the fluff.
Throw in a teaspoon and a half full of vanilla extract.

Ask your man to wash off the beaters.

Beat the ingredients in the forth bowl– the white creamy filling.

Spread the cream on the cookies after they cool from the oven.

Wrap in plastic wrap, but give your one night stand a fresh Whoopie Pie, unwrapped.
That’s how an Amish girl keeps her bearded husband in her bed, night after night.

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